So the title of this post may imply that I attempted some crazy running feat and experienced that moment of runner's "euphoria" once the adrenaline kicked in. Sorry to disappoint you, but there was no insane race, no noteworthy athletic accomplishments, nada, nothing. I personally wish that I did indeed have some wonderful achievement to share. But no, this post is focused on the fact that, although I am a big fan of the runner's high and pushing my body to the limits, I am also realizing that pure adrenaline is not always what you need.
I was back in DC this past week for work. As I flew across the country on Monday night, I realized that I hadn't truly given myself the break I kept claiming that I was giving myself over the weekend. I have a REALLY hard time just kicking back and "relaxing." What, lounge on the couch and watch reality TV shows? How can I do that for more than 15 minutes when there's so much else that needs to be done? Honestly, I want to be one of those people who can just devote an evening to chilling out - if only my mind would cooperate and keep me from starting to worry about everything else that needs to get done.
Now I will admit, I did take steps to do things for myself: a couple of yoga classes (yes, I'm trying to stick with it!), a long run, baking pseduo-healthy cookies, preparing a yummy dinner one night . . . but they all still involved me actively "doing" something. I am beginning to realize that for as much as I want to maximize the little free time that I have, I really need to carve out time (minutes? seconds?) to just do absolutely nothing. And here's why . . .
When I landed in DC, I realized that the time difference was going to kick my butt. I hit the sack pretty late (hello 1:30 AM) and was not happy when the alarm went off at 5:30 AM. Now I have done this routine before, but this week it felt particularly painful. Every few hours, I could feel the waves of fatigue passing over me, but kept fighting it off. In the past, I would have felt proud to battle through a day running on pure adrenaline, but this past week, I found myself thinking, "dude, get a grip and get some rest!" I keep trying to say that I am taking care of myself, but I'm actually finding that to be the hard part. It's so much easier for me to say "yes" to everyone else and take care of other things, and it's SO hard for me to acknowledge my limitations and back off until I am nearly burnt out. I want to be superwoman, but I'm beginning to realize that superwoman needs a real break now and then.
Unfortunately, I let the rest of this week continue along this pattern. I powered through, but when I got back on the plane to fly back to UT tonight, I realized how completely brain-dead I am. For instance, take last night . . . I wrapped up the work day and squeezed in a five-mile run before thunderstorms hit. I was dragging during the first mile but the adrenaline kicked in by the second mile. I ended the run feeling better, but then let myself get caught up in late-night e-mails (where I tried to squeeze out every last drop of adrenaline), which basically cancelled out any good efforts because I stayed up too late and forgot about the part where you should chill out after a good workout. Good grief. I wonder if they make an iPhone app that yells at you when you don't truly relax.
So . . . the bottom line is that I need to start practicing what I preach. I love the adrenaline rush, love being able to tell myself "good job for taking all of this on." But honestly, I'm really tired of it, and realize that the benefits are not quite what they should be becuase I'm not giving myself the chance to take a moment and enjoy them. I don't want to be a lazy ass, and probably will never let myself be one, but I DO need to get better about carving out the "me" time and not feeling bad if the "me" time isn't anything productive or monumental. I'm not quite there yet, but hopefully I'm moving in the right direction by at least acknowledging the areas where I want to make changes. I want to get to a point where I'm using that adrenaline to fuel those good changes in my life.
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